Too Messy For You

I think I am messed up.

I think I am messed up. 

The cuts at my hip sting when fabric rubs on them. I take sleeping pills but can’t sleep. I am snug in bed but tonight I don’t feel safe. I am tired but cannot sleep because I am waiting for the sun to rise. I say I will sleep then but I don’t know if I will still need my headphones. There will be no more rain but I don’t know if I need to block out other sounds. Will the sound of people working, the rumbling traffic cause the same kind of stress as the pattering rain? I have not slept all night but I only want a nap. I am scared of sleeping now.

On top of the eating disorder and depression, the causes and my messy thoughts, I am messed up.

I am not horribly bad — maybe. But there are other things that have left blemishes on my life and youth. Maybe I am horrible after all.

Does it matter? It just tells me I am not good enough for companionship. I should be lonely. It is only right. 

I don’t want that.

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7 thoughts on “Too Messy For You

    • I’m afraid I’ll never find someone who can care for me in the way I need them to. I will care for them of course but I’m afraid I’ll never find one who can accept all of me. You’re married right? Does it feel less lonely?

      • Yes, it does feel less lonely. But I got very lucky in that my hubby takes good care of me even when I don’t want him too. I was the happiest when I was pregnant and while my kids were little. It was easy to take care of myself when it was for them. And I didn’t get married until I was 29, so it took me a long while to find someone I really love and trust.

  1. We’re all messed up and as cliche as that is, it’s the truth. Hopefully your blogging and writing has helped you sort out the madness in your head and find others in similar situations. You could probably find a lot to relate to on my blog, feel free to check it out!

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