Calming The Anxiety (For Now)

Better.

Calmer.

I plugged in my earphones and pushed them in tight. A low thunder rumbled and I amped up the volume and went on MPA to make a distressed post for help. I refreshed the screen over and over because I didn’t know what else to do. Two, three replies popped up. I did what they said. They were so kind, so gentle with their words. I am grateful. I sipped at the water my friend had asked me to get. I spat out the water earlier because I just couldn’t swallow it the way I was sobbing. I followed what the girls online said. I tried to take deep breaths and drank water. As for the rest of their advice, I don’t think I will read and I have no basement to hide in.

Why haven’t the meds made me sleepy yet?

Now I’m just lost. Not ready to let go of this position of safety at my desk and not ready to fall asleep. I need to switch off the lights soon because my parents rise early for work. But I don’t feel safe moving. I don’t feel safe moving.

I don’t feel safe moving.

I’m not crying. But I still feel like crying.

Probably in despair at my situation. Or because of this episode which seems to make me wonder if I’m becoming more and more screwed up. I know it’s probably just an anxiety attack. I’ve had panic attacks before but anxiety attacks? I never knew how… how it is.

The pattering rain is starting to hit more persistently. I cringe away from it. My desk, my seat is right beside the window. My safe spot now, is right beside the windows and rain. I up the volume again.

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