Make this anger go away. Make it go away. My head hurts from me slapping it. My hip hurts from cutting. My hand hurts from hitting it against the sink. The cup, though, didn’t break this time.
I slapped my cheeks this afternoon. I cut my hip this afternoon.
So this is the second time.
Being home is hard. It’s always hard. Because I’m triggered more easily. And my rage is more consuming. It’s still there, in my chest and I’m so angry and sad and pained and I cannot get rid of it.
Nothing can get rid of my rage when it comes. Not food, not vomit, not blood, not pain, not tears.
He says I’m not disordered but I just have traits. But what is this pain? What is this rage? Even as I hurt myself, I’m already repressing it because each time it happens, my thoughts are much more violent. I want to rip my throat, my arm, my stomach. I want sharp metal nails so I can claw gaping wounds on my arm. I am angry so maddeningly angry.
There is no good reason for it.
Help me. Please. It’s been like this since I was a child. I just was less physically violent with myself. I punched the pillows with my small fists instead of myself or the walls. I screamed and cried into them instead of making myself bleed. I pulled at the fabric instead of breaking things.
Why am I so angry? Where does my rage come from?
Please help me…