There’s the Living, the Dead, the Undead and the Living Dead. The Undead are like my father. They are people who would’ve have otherwise died if not for technology. The Living Dead are… breathing bodies.
Everyday continues to hurt to be honest. I just keep distracting myself.
I hate school but it’s a distraction. School’s cold; the lessons are too hard, too pointless or expect too much independent learning with too little guides; there are long hours between essential lessons because I don’t attend recorded lectures. But school is necessary and that’s the only reason why it distracts me. Sometimes it doesn’t and I have hours of work to clock in for a new assignment and I simply, do not begin.
I distract myself in other ways. Food. Forums. What else…? I ordered a creepy fictional anatomical book and (fuck this aircon fuck the cold air) also that ‘I Hate You Don’t Leave Me’ book, and downloaded ‘Letting Ana Go’ which I was reading until a… friend(?) who knows only a side of me took the seat beside me in the library.
I came outside. My butt hurts from sitting all afternoon waiting for my evening Jap tutorial and I can’t read that while she’s beside me. But it’s cold here too — and gloomy — because it’s about to rain, yet again today. I’ll empty my bottle later and fill it with hot water again. I don’t get it. It’s not me because the school is cold but how do these students stay in here in their shorts and tees while I’m freezing in long pants and a jacket? It’s probably been a half hour already and my sneakers still feel like they are air conditioners, making cold air of their own. I wish I could dunk my body in a hot tub now. I remember waiting for the nurses to push out the clothes and toiletries on the metal trolleys in the morning so I could rush in for a scalding hot shower.
I distract myself with the medication. But it’s not reliable. Sometimes it doesn’t work. I wonder if my body’s also become quite adjusted since yesterday. The insomnia was quite bad last night but I’m not tired and I woke easily for school today, despite the drug. Less than two hours asleep and it was only with the help of the morning quetiapine dose. Well, if it keeps up at least I’ll have more time I can spend avoiding homework when I really can’t bring myself to do.
School’s becomes secondary to me after this entire summer break — and naturally, thus are grades. The need to score is still nagging at me of course but it just doesn’t matter as much. Perfectionism waning with depression? It’s alright as long as it’s a decent A or B — no, I’m rereading this bit and thinking, not too many Bs or it’ll give me anxiety. School’s only a bit of my life and something to occupy myself with. Astronomy, languages, story boarding, producing 3Ds… Just things that I have to plough through because it’s school and therefore a necessary occupation of my time. Good and bad
love and hate strike that. Like and hate maybe.
I can’t bring myself to do much else for some reason. Everyday is dreary. I keep hiding from the pain. If nothing changes, I won’t have to either and I’ll keep running away. Like I did the last time two Decembers back. I’ve run from lots of things since. I don’t want this pain. But even this isn’t as important to me as getting him out of that place. I wouldn’t mind having this pain if it helped him. And for a while I had thought it was. If he was blaming and hating me and wishing me dead… that’s okay as long as he could feel better about everyone and everything else and thus, eventually be okay. For now… everyday’s just another day until the time comes that something ignites in him and lets oxygen help him breathe for real again.
I don’t want to step back into the cold building. It’s cold enough outside. School sucks even with all the freedom in Uni and even the Normal People dread it.